THE Harry potter story
by Rogue Maverick
Summary: What really happened but they didn't show funny
1. Default Chapter

Here is my hopefuuly humorous story.  
Once upon a time -errr Harry Potter stories don't start like that. How about...  
Deep within someplace laid Godrics Hollaw were the Potter family was at and stuff was happening. They were there hiding from a evil guy/dude/meany named Tom somthingorother Riddle. His name does this nifty, swell trick were you rearange the letters and it spell out I am lord Voldemort. If you are normal person you call him He-who-must-not-be-named or you-know-who, if you are a death eater or evil you call him Voldemort, and if you are brave, daring, and stupid you call him Voldy. ANYWAYS he wanted to kill the potters so he tried to kill them and such. So ya.... stop payin attention to me. I am the narrater not the story read on.. Grrr. Fine.  
  
James : I'm glad that Peters helping us like this. I mean he will never betray us. Sure we know one of the Maruder's is evil and he was the least liked in the group, and that his anigimus form is a rat, and he has that strange tatoo on his arm.... but he will never betray us.  
  
Harry : -rolls eyes- Goo goo gaa gaa peter kill you all gag gag.  
  
Lily : Almost as if little Harry is trying to tell us somthing.  
  
Suddenly the door knocks.  
  
Door: ....  
  
I mean Voldemort knocks on the door because the door an inanimant object.  
  
James : Actually I transfigured it from a dragon.  
  
Lily : James who are you talking to.  
  
Before he could answer the door/dragon was knocked down.  
  
Voldemort : Oh My God, You people are like, so rude. I was knocking the door for like, ages. -clears throat- Now you will die. Mwahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahaahaahahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa- cough cough cough.  
  
James : NO. Take the kid but let me live.  
  
TM : No I will kill the child and you can't stop me.  
  
James : I won't try please let me live.  
  
During this heroic battle Lilly takes Harry and goes to the next room instead of using floo to escape.  
  
TM : I will kill you if you don't protecting your son. This is a battle you can't win.  
  
James : Take him, Take him.  
  
Voldemort : Thats it die. - Uses Avada Kadava or whatever- Hahaha.   
  
He then goes into the room with Lilly in it because she forgot to close the door.  
  
Voldemort : After I kill the kid will you go out with me.  
  
Lilly : -Takes Voldemort 's wand and AV's herself-  
  
Harry : -starts to play with mirror-  
  
Voldemort : Whatever. SAY GOOD BYE SON,GOK- HARRY POTTER- Uses THAT curse but it hits the mirror and comes back to him, the affect of the mirror making him a spirit thingy-  
  
Harry : Bye bye. - walks of of table and hits his head giving him a scar-  
  
And so Harry Potter alone has survived the killing curse and is famous.  
  
( No real doors were hurt making the fic. Only two people died and one became a spirit thing during the fic.) 


	2. next

Here we are agian and look at all the pretty birdies. Look Vernun is suspicious.  
  
V : I'm suspicious. -eyes look around and see a cat- Ahhhhh! A cat it must be related to magic somehow help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Cat : -Mutters under breath- FREAK!!!!  
  
Ummm. That was pretty loud for muttering but Vernun was to busy yelling about wizards to hear.  
  
P :Vernun, Dudley said his first word it was EAT.  
  
V : Cool, let me just abuse the paper boy -shoots paper boy with shotgun-  
  
Cat : Meow  
  
Vernun goes inside  
  
V : I'm going inside  
  
The cat magicly transforms using magic into a magic using witch able to use magic  
  
Cat : Hi, my names magonigal. I'm leaving Harry here to be abused.  
  
Magonigal leaves Harry on the doorstep and knocks on the door. She quickly disappers into then air.  
  
V : Whats this -looks in basket and reads note- Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
H : Goo goo gaa gaa large, idiotic, fat, hippoman yell loud gaa gaa goo goo  
  
V : Almost as if he is trying to tell me somthing. Must be freak powers. Throw him in that thing under the stair. He will starve if I don't give him food. Hahahah.  
  
He left leaving poor magicless Harry outside.  
  
Harry : -blink- Me not poor ahhh.. Goooo goooog ooooggg googogog  
  
Talking to narrarater must run in family  
  
H : - Changes into his anigmus form of a Griffen and flies inside, once inside he changes back.- Hehehe  
  
P : O its my nephew. Must obey Vernun. Must starve him.  
  
Under the stairs, Harry quickly charmed it to be the most luxurious gym/room/place around and magicly made magic stuff and magic food.  
  
H : Hehehe gogoh fuu fuu me make fooooooood hehe gogo neneneneee  
  
Above the stairs you could hear a whoop.  
  
P : Dudley said his second word. Its MAIM 


	3. next

Once agian we join together to see a now 10 year old Harry Potter. His cupboard was no longer magical because Peter that rat came in and hexed it.  
  
Du dud du daaaaaaa!!!! ^*^*^*^***^*^*^*^FLASH BACK*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^   
  
Peter: Hahaha I will kill the 2 year old Harry Potter with the simplest curse. *Preforms curse totally wrong and ends up giving himself a make over 20 times worse than Voldemolts. He tries repeatedly and ends up accidintly hexing the cupboard before giving up and sleeping with Percy.*  
  
Baby Harry: Darn it. I should have caught IT and released Uncy Sirius.  
  
Boom chank a boom END FLASH BACK  
It is now Dudley's birthday.   
  
Dudley: Here I come running down the stairs and shoving Harry back in the cupboard.  
  
Does as he says he did.  
  
V: You, magic freak person will stay with miss figg while we go to the zoo.  
  
H: Kay  
  
MF: I like pink fluffy canaries.  
  
Dudley: There dead.  
  
MF: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh THATS IT I'M AM NOT BABYSITTING HARRY NOW.  
  
Vernun and Petuna murmur stuff about Harry and the zoo   
  
V: stuff about Harry and the zoo   
  
P: stuff about Harry and the zoo   
  
V: stuff about Harry and the zoo   
  
P: stuff about Harry and the zoo   
  
Meanwhile Harry is saying VERY rude things about the Dursleys in parseltounge  
  
H: VERY rude things about the Dursleys in parseltounge 


	4. next

THE harry potter story  
  
What Really Happened  
  
----------------------------------At the Zoo------------------------  
  
Dudley-Wake up You STupid BLOody SNAKe  
  
Snake- Snoooooooooooooorrre  
  
Dudley- This is so boring. I'm gonna go steal candy from babies.  
  
Harry- Sorry 'bout him.  
  
Snake- ~blink~  
  
Harry- GASP You blinked can you understand me  
  
Snake- ~blink~  
  
Harry- Ok, guess what I feel just like you. Raised in captivy, gawked at like a freak, trapped from the world, fed dead rats and toads. ~SIGH~  
  
Snake- At least you have thumbs.  
  
Aha the snake said something  
  
Harry- I do? Wooooooow I do have thumbs. Cool. I, of course, want thank you foor pointing that out.  
  
Harry stares at his thumbs in amazement. He bends them and Gasp.  
  
Harry- GASP, there opposable  
  
Snake- I'm gonna dance now.  
  
Harry- Heh heh, I am talking to a snake and don't think its weird, nope not in the slightest.   
  
Dudley- Look, the snakes dancing. *pushes body agianst glass*  
  
Harry- He ruined my conversation. HE!! *raises hand up with fingers pointed out* MUST !!!!!!!!  
  
*Eyes some how glow red* PAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*the glass vanishes and Dudley falls in*  
  
While Dudley is up to his head in Snake junk, the Snake comes out. As he walks past Harry he pays him.  
  
How he got money I don't know. Then he go's and eats people.  
  
Dudley- *See's Harry smirking and runs at him but Harry snaps his fingers and Dudley runs into glass*  
  
####################################LATER###########################  
  
Vernon- You freakish nephew of mine that is a freak. It is somehow your fault that happened, even if I don't believe in magic and theres no logical way you could have done that.  
  
Harry- Huh, did you say something.  
  
Vernon- GASP *shoves Harry downstairs* There is no such thing as magic.  
  
He thinks he locks the door but doesn't.   
  
Harry- Thanks, I thought it was locked too. Thanks wierd voice from nowhere.  
  
Harry walks out of basement and out of house.  
  
Harry- *YELLING* I'm out to wallow in self pity 


	5. next

This is when Hagrid tells him he is a wizard and from then on.  
  
---------------------------------------------------  
  
Harry slowly draws a birthday cake in ths sand. As Dudley'd watch beeps he blows it.  
  
Person behind door: THUMP THUMP THUMP  
  
Harry: What an amazing coincidence that, that happened write at midnight.  
  
All the Dursley's awaken at the sound.  
  
Dursleys: SNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEE  
  
Harry: The wierd *Kick Dudley* voice *punch Vernon* said *pull Petunia's hair* WAKE UP  
  
The door brakes down and a large man comes in.  
  
Hagrid: 'orry 'bou' 'a' 'arry.  
  
Harry: Who are you.  
  
Hagrid: 'agri', 'epper o' eys' an' 'ouds a' 'ogwar's. 'u' 'ourse 'ou no' 'll 'bou' 'ogwar's don' cha' 'arry.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Hagrid: 'ey 'eve' 'old 'ah 'bou' 'ou 'er'tage 'arry. 'ursley 'ou 'une.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Hagrid: Your a Wizard Harry.  
  
Harry: Duh, the big voice in the sky told me ages ago.  
  
Vernon: SNOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
  
Hagrid: Ne'er i'ul' 'um'le'ore i' my 'resence.  
  
With that he turns Dudley into a pig.  
  
Then they leave.  
  
Vernon: SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRE  
  
Petunia: SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRE  
  
Dudley the Pig: SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL 


	6. In witch hagrid stragles a kid and harry...

The next chapter  
  
Harry and Hagrid had just walked through the secret, hidden wall that opens when you touch it.  
  
Hagrid= Do you know what this here place is called Harry.  
  
Harry= -in an absurdly bored tone- Diagon Alley.....  
  
Hagrid= Curious little fella aren't you, well since you asked so kindly, it's called Diagon Alley.  
  
Harry= -rolls eyes and sighs- Diagonally great.  
  
Hagrid decided that he should do what Dumbledore said and heads off for Gringrotts, Harry in his grasp. Unfortunately he squeezes his hands too tight and kills the poor fool in his grip. Fortunately he had accidentally grabbed a Mary-Sue instead.  
  
Hagrid= - Yelling over his shoulder- Hurry up Harry.  
  
Harry= -In front of Gringrotts- Hagrid, you git, I'm waiting for you.  
  
As they get in Hagrid gives Harry his key and goes to speak to the goblin.  
  
--------------------------------------------------5 minutes later----------- -----------------------------  
  
Hagrid= What do you mean I don't got permission, I have the letter right there.  
  
Goblin= That letter says directly not to give you the parcel because you are a bumbling idiot that can only be trusted with a little shit of a kid.  
  
Hagrid= Calling me a horse, Rooooowllll - Leaps on Goblin and starts a fight-.  
  
Minutes later we find Hagrid outside Gringrotts, beaten up badly. Harry walks out the bank, two packages in hand with one being a huge money bag. He tosses the one parcel to Hagrid.  
  
Harry= Here is the Sorcerers stone.  
  
Hagrid= How did you know about that???????!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??!??!?!??!!!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Harry= You told me on the way there, including how to get past all the challenges.  
  
Hagrid didn't hear Harry though because he was crying because the goblins stole all of his weed.  
  
Harry= That explains a lot.  
  
Yes, yes it does.  
  
------------------------Inside the place with Robes---------------------  
  
Harry= ...and then the oaf killed the poor kid by strangulation.  
  
Draco= DUDE! That dude is messed up.  
  
Harry= I know! Look at him over there, Licking the window and getting people stuck in his beard....  
  
Both Draco and Harry pause in thought for a couple of seconds. Slowly Draco turns to Harry, who is turning to him. Both of their faces are contorted with horror.  
  
Draco= DUDE! That, that, is, like, a beard right. I, like, mean you, umm, like, don't think it's, like totally, something living, do you?  
  
Harry= I don't know. I truly don't.  
  
Draco= If you um want I'll, like totally, get him so fired by, like, letting myself get, like, attacked by a icky hippogriff.  
  
Harry= Cool....Now on the next subject. I'll sneak my way through the hat and into Griffindor and sabotage them and you..  
  
Draco= Hey dude, I could, like so, pretend to, like totally, hate you while totally secretly umm con. constororing no consorting YEAH THAT'S IT with you.  
  
Both= Right.  
  
Hagrid=Harry let's go.  
  
Harry= *Walking with Hagrid* Hagrid, why is there a white owl attacking you.?  
  
Hagrid= Huh? I didn't notice it. *Grabs it* Here is your birthday present.  
  
Harry= *To Hedwig* If you hate Hagrid your okay by me.  
  
Next Time On Harry Potter..  
  
Ron= Hi person who will probably get more attention than me.  
  
Harry= Hello peon. I mean Will you be my friend *Eyes start to water* 


	7. Chapter 7

I Guess I'm back……… or am I

We rejoin are young anarchist… I mean hero…screw it ANARCHY FOR ALL HAHAHAHAHAHA

AT THE SHACK BY THE LAKE

Hagrid: 'ere 'e 'o HARRY. 'ack 'ith 'our 'istgusting a'usive 'amily

Harry: Whatever… jerk

Hagrid leaves, leaving Harry, our antagonist, alone with only his relatives, the very meaning of fear to the point of stupidity or visa versa, and a shit load of magical crap.

Harry: This will be fun…. Aw heck why not, Mwahahahaha Bwahahahahaha

AWWWW... His first diabolical laugh; isn't that adorable?

Harry: **GLARES **not cute

ELSEWHERE

Mysterious man #1: Sir, I've just picked up a diabolical laugh grade five.

Mysterious man #2: No worries sir, its an underage kid, though I am impressed at a grade five for a kid.

------September 1, Train Station------

Petty la pu: Se La Vi Mon Nephew

Vernon (tears running down his face): Change her back please.

Dudders: Squeeeeel. (Vernon hadn't noticed Dudley yet.)

Harry: Bye yonder family, try not to miss me too much…losers.

Harry wonders around aimlessly, cursing Hagrid for being a crappy guide and not telling him how to get on the train. Suddenly his sight is taken over by twenty something redheads.

Mrs. Weasley: Alright Percy, Fred, George, And Ron run through the magical barrier oh wait…poor dear are you trying to get on the train watch my boys.

The four reds run through the barrier.

Random Muggle Kid Daniel Radcliff Who Mrs. Weasley Was Talking To: Oh, My god how the hell did that happen.

Mrs. Weasley: Oops, thought that was Potter despite the tame hair and blue eyes. I thought I was on my way to having my own rich orphan. Sigh…obliviate.

Ginny: Mum that was the fifth kid today.

Mrs. Weasley: I really want a rich orphan… Now I know that you want to go to Hogwarts but only one year for you Ginny and only three for you Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, and Doc…Ginny where are the boys.

Ginny: points to a bloody clump on the train tracks They got run over.

Mrs. Weasley: Oh thank god, I can afford to let my other four kids out of the attic.

Ginny: They ummm starved to death a while ago.

Mrs. Weasley: I gave them food.

Ginny: You gave them old clothes stew… it didn't work.

Harry: Weird…perfect family to use. Time to go.

Our young antagonist quickly ran through the barrier, entering the train just in time to see Draco and give him the super secret hand signal.

Harry: Dude that was gay…

Draco: Yeah, it totally was.

Harry: Okay, meet up with me lately I have the perfect candidate to use.

Minutes later.

Ron: Hello person who will probably get more attention than me.

Harry: Hello peon…I mean will you be my friend.

Ron: Sure, I want a friend

(Golem Ron)– But no hes will get mores attention, nobodies will loves meeesss

(normal)- Nooo we can ride on his coattail.

(Golem)-Are you sures… sures people will lovings us.

(Normal)- Of course I'm sure love, of course I'm sure.

Harry- Oh dear God, what did I get myself into.


End file.
